I struggle with emotional barriers in relationships, often masking my fragility with arrogance. Recently, I opened up to someone, experiencing joy but also deep pain when it ended. Now, I must recalibrate myself as I face a stressful period ahead, grappling with the fear of future connections and the lingering effects of past love.
supersede yourself to recompense a loss
<span style="font-style: italic;">"The extreme parts of time extremely forms</span><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">All causes to the purpose of his speed,</span><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">And often at his very loose decides</span><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">That which long process could not arbitrate:</span><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">And though the mourning brow of progeny</span><br style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Forbid the smiling courtesy of love (William Shakespeare)"</span><br><br><br>It has almost become a tradition for me to unveil emotional problems here, without talking about the problem itself. The anonymity of the internet allows to lament and to articulate in detail - without revealing those details.<br><br>Many natural processes contain so-called 'boundary' or 'extreme' values which define a point after which the influencing effect will grow into the opposite direction; Mathematicans know about this as broken rational functions. A magnet that rejects another magnet will embrace it if enough pressure is applied.<br><br>I'm similar. A recent talk with Raphael let me realize that I tend to not let someone near me in a casual relationship. I am a fragile person, someone who knows about this topic can find many hints which lead to the conclusion that I lack self-esteem. In order to not break the little I have, I hide myself behind a wall of arrogance, ludicrousity and let noone find the real me. <br>But if someone manages to break this 'boundary', overcome my wall, then my repellingness will turn into the opposite direction, will become a strong force pulling all my emotions out of me.<br><br>Now I let someone behind my wall.<br>Let someone into the me, let her find me, told her things I told nobody, let myself in onto a adventurous road I'd not often seen before. I feld luck, I felt contentedness.<br><br>That's why it hurt so bad when everything failed.<br>I'm not to ask questions, I'm to readjust myself so I can find enough strength to overcome the next weeks at work, which will be very stressfull and exhausting.<br>I need to dump myself now. I need to find that which is me, release it again, free it from the remnants of love which poison it so bad, and then pull myself in again.<br><br>I fear this incidend only makes it even more difficult for me to open myself to new 'someone's again, even more fearing the cause and effect of a dysfunctional relationship. But maybe the dim light of friendship that left can help me endure this burden. And as I already wrote in a previous post: "But the memory of them sunny times will shine forever".<br><img src="../daten/ill.gif"><br>